Monday, 16 July 2012

Me updated: part 3 (what is wrong with me)


My date for my surgery came through quicker than expected and I had a pre-assessment on 18th May and then went in for my laparoscopy on 29th May. Luckily it was at a different hospital to the one I had been in for my previous surgery.

It was supposed to be an outpatient procedure and I went down for my operation at 4pm - but, I reacted very badly to the anaesthetic and had to stay in hospital overnight. I just remember waking up from my operation and being incredibly panicked and frightened and I burst in to tears. I felt very sick and my eyes were apparently all over the place and the pain was so intense it was unreal. I fell asleep for a short while and then was taken up to a ward to recover. Except, on the way I passed out and my blood pressure dropped and I was taken to another recovery room and put on a drip. After this I slowly came around and started to feel a little better. I was finally taken up to a ward at just before 10pm.

I was in a lot of pain with the gases, I had forgotten how much it hurt to be blown up like a balloon and for that gas to not have anywhere to go. The nurses were absolutely fantastic though and gave me lots of hot tea to help. They were so incredibly helpful and made the time so much easier because they actually cared about me (unlike the nurses who looked after me after my last surgery). I was dosed up to my eyeballs on Tramadol and Paracetamol but they weren't helping so the nurses gave me some Oramorph (and were on standby with the Piriton just in case I reacted to it). Well, that was it. I was still in pain but wahey, I was away with the fairies!

The Prof. came to see me the morning after my operation and explained to me his findings. I had been prepared to hear my endometriosis was worse, that I already knew without someone cutting me open. But what I heard, I was not prepared for in any way. He told me that my endometriosis was "aggressive and extensive" and had spread. Previously, he had found endometriosis on my ovaries and on my Douglas pouch (behind my womb). But this had now spread and he found it on both my ovaries, my Douglas pouch, my bladder (which is why I was having problems with wetting) and diaphragm and it had stuck my fallopian tubes to my left ovary. He also added that I was extremely constipated - which I already knew because of the Tramadol. I was high as a kite on meds, but I was also heartbroken. He said that he had put me down for more surgery to remove the endometriosis but that we also needed to sit down and talk through what my options were - it wasn't just something that could be decided on there and then. I still don't know what that means but to me it doesn't sound positive.

So I guess that's my update completed, because since then well, I'm just in the same situation that I have been for months. Except now I'm not only trying to deal with the pain and incapacity of the disease but also the emotional side. My stitches may have disolved, my scars may have healed, but my soul is broken.

I've had repeated breakdowns since then - I'm finding it very difficult to cope. Danny has been absolutely phenomenal, sitting with me when I'm sobbing at 2am, consolling me when I can't face seeing our friends baby. But it's still there, the heartbreak, the pain, the uncontrollable emotions of trying to face up to the fact that things are worse and no matter how much you try to be positive and put on a big smile, it still hurts.

S.
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