As you can probably tell from my last two posts, I haven't done very much recently since it was my joyous period week last week.

At the beginning of of the week I tore an adhesion in my sleep. I was in so much pain from that and my period that I eventually went to the doctors on the Thursday and she has now given me some Nefopam to add to my already existing list of painkillers (Tramadol, Paracetamol & Naproxin). I started taking it the same day and came off it on Sunday as I just couldn't take the side effects. I spent those 3 days walking around like a complete zombie. I barely ate anything, I felt sick to my eyeballs, I was exhausted but couldn't sleep, my hot flushes were on full throttle and I was so spaced out I could hardly move, let alone think or talk. It was quite amusing in a 'poor me' kind of way - I felt like I was doddering around like Ozzy Osbourne! BUT, as rubbish as they made me feel, they did actually take my additional pain away. I've struggled a bit coming off them but I'm going to keep them purely for when my Tramadol/Paracetamol/Naproxin concoction isn't enough. And also, I really don't want my body to get used to these and not be able to feel the benefits.

I was so emotional and down with everything last week that I burst in to tears while I was talking to the doctor. She asked me me how I was coping with everything and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. She has referred me on for some counselling locally, as I explained that I had wanted to go to the counselling the hospital had offered me but couldn't get there. I haven't heard anything yet (it's only been a few days) but I feel better for just knowing that I will be getting my head sorted soon.

I had a new tattoo done on Saturday. I'd booked it in a while ago and really didn't feel like it on the day but thought it was probably the best time to go, while I was doped up on every painkiller under the sun! I've wanted my birdie done for about 4 years now and I am over the moon with it. It's very sore still but it is looking better by the day. I've found great positivity in this tattoo along with my last. My birdie, or Edgar, as he has now been named (re. Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven'), signifies something that I have waited a very long time for. Something that I have desperately wanted. 'Good things come to those who wait' rings so true. And my last tattoo, an E E Cummings quote: "To destroy is always the first step in any creation", is so apt for me and everything that is happening that I almost felt like I needed to get it tattooed there and then to be able to move on in anyway. I'm holding on to this positivity tightly and trying so hard to keep it. Because underneath, millimetres under the surface, I'm desperate to cry out and scream. To curl up and hide away. But clinging to this, is just keeping me from going under.

If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably noticed I've been a bit quiet. Me and Danny have decided to get away for a few days of much needed relaxation. Luckily, my pain seems to be finally dying down a little so we can enjoy some proper time together and not have to worry about our daily lives. Sometimes you just need to take a step back from everything, relax and enjoy each other and that's exactly what our break is about.