Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Her eyes are full of sadness

I've fallen a little out of love again with the blog. It's hard writing your entire life down for the world to read and then feeling like no one is reading it or helping you. I know that there are a variety of reasons why I started this, and every now and then I do get some wonderful feedback about it and messages saying its helping those who do take the time to read it - but it's hard being on the other end. Writing itself can be therapeutic, like keeping a diary, but it doesn't seem to be helping me much at the moment.

The last few weeks I've almost felt somewhat pressurised in to keeping up to date with things and it's only when I took a step back last week that I realised all this time and effort was getting me no where. I am just a girl with endometriosis who doesn't have much else to do in her life so started writing her thoughts and feelings down for others to read in the hope someone might relate to it. If people don't, then they don't. I'm not trying to be little miss popular.

Blogging is hard work - especially when you haven't got the most interesting life to blog about or money to spend on fancy things to show off. But I'll be continuing on this route to keep my mind active and for those of you who do take the time to follow me.

I suppose though I've felt the same way about everything over the past week or so which hasn't helped in the slightest. I keep thinking about my counselling... Or lack of it. I so want to get my head clear and to be able to think straight again but I'm just waiting again for this liaison appointment to come through now. And in the meantime I'm stuck here with my bad thoughts and sadness.

My pain has been terrible again too - after having such a good period - and so I've not been able to do much at all again. Sitting here in bed, snuggled up with a hot water bottle, hot drinks and re-runs of Jeremy Kyle might be comforting but it's so frustrating. It doesn't matter how many times I repeat it but I am desperate to get my life back. Desperate beyond words. In some ways it worries me because I wonder if it's bad to pin all my hopes on an operation that hasn't worked for me in the past.

I'm trying to be positive but some days it's hard. I've got little goals set to get me through to my operation but it's easy to lose sight of them.

I feel very alone sometimes and like my little voice isn't being heard.



  1. Hi just wanted to say although i havnt been following your blog for long its comforting to know theirs others going through the same emotional ups and downs endometriosis brings and think your doing a fantastic job :)

  2. I just found your blog and it has been so nice to read about others who are going through what I have been through. Please don't stop posting.
    You are incredibly brave and gorgeous and you will get through this. You are so lucky to have a great partner too.
    I have had two surgeries for my endo and mine was about as extensive as yours too. I had it removed from my pouch of douglas, bowel, bladder, stomach (which has grown into a tumour and adhered to my liver and diaphram) and the removal caused complications with my bladder bowel and pelvic floor, all of which I need treatment for now. I am trying to avoid surgery number three at the moment. I am lucky though that the pill has been the only drug I have needed so far to manage the endo recently. Pain killers never even got close to touching the pain before my first surgery, but I have been comparively ok since.
    Anyhow, you are not alone and it really helps to share your story - for you and us.
    Hang in there and good luck with the next round.

    1. Hi Rose, Thank you for your comment. You are so kind and it's so good to know that people are not only reading my posts but finding them of some use. I'm so sorry to hear of what you have been through with this disease - it really does sound terrible... But makes me feel better because someone understands me and what I'm trying to cope with - as bad as that may sound! I hope you continue on the path you're on without needing any further drug treatments and I'll keep my fingers crossed that you carry on avoiding surgery number 3. I just hope that after this next surgery I can come off all the painkillers I'm on and find some normality again. xx

  3. You're certainly not alone, and your blog is actually one of my favourites I've found since starting mine.

    So please don't lose hope, there are plenty of us reading and finding what you have to say helpful, hopeful and interesting.

    1. I always love your comments Michelle! They always lift me up when I am feeling down or unable to find any positives in my day. Thank you. xxx

  4. Hi I follow your blog through Facebook, I have never really been a person that comments on posts etc on here on on the endo wall. But I read your posts regularly and it's good to know you're not alone. Keep writing I guess you probably find it quite cathartic, you're doing a great job!! Hope this message finds you as pain free as possible :-)

    Love and best wishes
    Cerys x

    1. Thanks Cerys, like I said above, it's always good to know people are reading what I write - it does help I guess, I think I'm just having one of those weeks! I hope this finds you as pain free as possible also! :) xx

  5. Hi Shireen, I found you too. I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area in the U.S. and have the privilege of doing the internet marketing for a great endometriosis specialist, Dr Cook, who is in my area. I found you through my research. Keep writing because you are adding to the collective voice that needs to be heard. You are not alone. You are one in many. So many out there suffering, some in silence, some screaming to be heard. And all hoping for a cure. The world needs to hear you.

    I feel so privileged to be working for Dr. Cook. This man has dedicated his life to helping women like you. Have you heard of him? He has a new book out now. and through it, he is a voice for you. http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Endometriosis-Pelvic-Pain-Doctor/dp/0984953574/ It is a big help to many as you'll see if you read the reviews. I hope it will help you as well.

    But I'm not here to promote the book. Or promote anything. My research brings me here because I have a bigger job of helping Dr. Cook and of helping women like you find the help they need. Dr. Cook hopes to educate doctors worldwide in the treatment method he has found that works. Your story, as do many others, confirm the need and inspire me to keep working hard. Thank you. See. Your voice is important and it is heard.

    He's written a wonderful blog post that many sufferers find encouraging. http://www.vitalhealth.com/blog/endometriosis/what-it-really-means-to-have-endometriosis/ I hope you like it. Please come over to our side of the world, say hi and leave a comment there.

    My very best to you. Hugs. -- Kathy