Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Spectacles and foggy heads


I haven't been feeling too great since my last post. I'm tired. Tired of feeling like this. Tired of my mind. Tired of the things that are making my mind like this. I've been out of the house quite a bit but nothing improves. Pain wise I'm getting on OK. I have only taken 4 Ibuprofen over the last 3 days (on top of my Tramadol) so that's an improvement, but my period is now late and I'm in a lot of pain going to the toilet - still/again. But my head is such a mess. I'm worried about so many things and still finding it difficult to handle everything that happened last year.

I spent last Thursday with my mum and we managed to get out for a little look around town. It was lovely but so, so cold! That's one thing that's becoming a shock to the system when I leave my warm, cosy bedroom! It was nice to get out with mum though - it's been quite a while since we last went shopping together.

On Friday I had a wander around town again (the town near me this time) before me and Danny both went for eye tests. As you may have seen, I have had to get myself some glasses, which isn't that big of a surprise! In the evening, I wrapped up with thick socks, boots, fleece lined leggings, normal leggings, a t-shirt, 2 thick jumpers, a woolly hat, 2 pairs of gloves and my thick winter coat, to go and sit in the snow and watch Danny's football team, Notts County beat Bury 4-1. It was good fun and we had some hot drinks and my favourite mushy peas so I was happy! Danny even bought a wonderful stripy scarf for me to wear so my neck wouldn't get cold! Lucky girl.

I was pretty much done in by Saturday but managed to get all my houseworky bits done (with the help of Danny) which made me feel a bit better. It drives me mad when everything is a mess. My brother asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee in town so he picked me up later on and we took my niece in to town for a painting session at this little arty cafe called Creations. You go in, pick the item you want to paint, the paints you want to use and a drink then settle down for as long as you want. All you pay is £3 per person for painting then for the item you want to paint (and obviously, for the drinks). You can even decoupage items too. It's such a good idea and my little niece, Merryn, loved it, even though she was a bit poorlysome that day. She painted a bunny rabbit and I painted an 'M' for her. So much fun! I got back home just in time to change quickly and get over to Nottingham for dinner with Danny for his birthday. We went for drinks first then on to Jamie's Italian for a meal and it was blummin' delicious. I posted some photos on my Instagram of the food we had but they didn't do it justice at all.

I wanted to sleep and rest all day on Sunday but I eventually peeled myself out of bed and we went to visit Danny's Nanna. She is the only grandparent we have between us now so I do enjoy going to have a cup of tea and a chat. Danny got his car back too but unfortunately it's still broken and it's looking like it's going to cost an arm and a leg to repair... And here we were hoping for some luck this year.

I went to the doctors on Monday. I was supposed to go in January for a review of my antidepressants but couldn't as I was still in recovery from my surgery. The good news is that I have come down a level on my Tramadol. Instead of taking two 150mg capsules per day, I now take two 100mg capsules a day. So far it's been OK apart from being in a bit more pain yesterday - but I can still take Paracetamol and Ibuprofen on top of the Tramadol if I need too. I just hope that I don't start to get any withdrawal symptoms again because that was horrible! The bad news is that the doctor has increased my antidepressant dosage and referred me on for liaison psychiatry now. I saw a different doctor - my own doctor - instead of this one I had seen the last few times and she actually seemed like she wanted to help me. I feel a lot more relieved now that my problems are going to be sorted instead of being covered up by medication, but obviously I'm not overly proud that my dosage has been upped. It makes me feel even more like a failure. Danny doesn't like me being on them and I didn't tell him my dosage had been increased until we got home. He thinks I don't need it because I'm better now but right now I feel more down then I ever have before and it scares me. I've been in better places than this before, without the need for tablets and still done stupid things. I don't want to go back there again.

It was Danny's birthday yesterday and even though he has had his birthday wishes from me and our pusskins, Daisy, I just want to wish him a very happy birthday again.

I've been trying to rest from the weekend but since I have so much to do I've been busy getting all of that done too... Mainly work on the blog. I'm lagging behind on getting your stories up (if you have sent one over it will be up as soon as I can fit it in!) and replying to all your emails and messages on Twitter and Facebook.

I've just been a bit shut off from everything and to be honest that's the way I like it right now.

S.
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