Monday, 4 February 2013

I thought this would be the end


OK. So, after bleeding almost constantly from my operation anyway, I started my period just over a week ago (a week early) and then yesterday it started properly. Today? Today, I'm in agony. Not even kidding. My back, both shoulders, my arms, my tummy and legs are agony!!

I know the first period is usually worse but this is no different at all to what it was before. In fact, right now I'm in more pain than I have been for a long time - and that's saying something! I'm on more tablets today than I've been on for a while because my usual Tramadol/Ibuprofen concoction is not touching the pain.

Ugh. I'm so exhausted with this. I'm so desperately trying to be positive and keep my mood happier, but I'm not happy. I'm sad and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I can't get out of my hole. My antidepressants are making no difference at all. I want to give up. I'm tired and so fed up with this pain. I can't see past this. Right now I'd quite happily have everything taken out and risk it coming back again in the future for just a few years, a few days of relief. I'm not supposed to be in this much pain after all this. But nothing ever changes. All those months spent trying to be positive and being adamant that this would work and what for? Nothing! It's not worked. I'm sick of trying to be happy for others. I'm in pain and I'm upset and I don't want to live like this.

But it's not like I have a choice right now. At least until April, when I get to see the Prof., this is how it will be.

I feel crap. And worthless. And shit. I have nothing. I am nothing. Why is Danny with me? I can't offer him anything. We can't even bloody move out because I can't work. We can't do anything beyond this bedroom because I can't move! How is this fair on him? It's not. I am desperate to get back to work and earn some money. How is this a life? I know some would be happy for it but being in this much pain on a regular basis? Really? Right now I'm in a what's the point of anything mood.

I'm annoyed too that my pictures on here never correlate to how I'm actually feeling. It's a rare event now when I get dolled up though - no one wants to see what I actually look like right now. Blotchy faced, red, snotty nosed, crazy bed hair and comfy, less than attractive clothing - pyjamas in fact. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I want to give up.

S.
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7 comments

  1. First, so sorry to hear you're in pain. I have endo too and noticed a direct correlation between the amountof pain I have and aspartame. If I eat anything (yogurt, soda, gum, etc...) w/ aspartame in it, I end up in so much pain from the endo. My doc doesnt know why, but since I cut it out of my diet, the pain is much more managable. Hope this can help you! And, hope you feel better!

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  2. Big, Big HUGS to you Shireen! I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Hang in there. This too shall pass....

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  3. You poor baby :(
    Your story sounds exactly like my daughters her last surgery took months to recover from, but it did ease ....now 12months later it is back.
    I would just like to tell you that you are valued so much by the strangers you support thru your blog and your facebook page. Please take some comfort in knowing that you help and give comfort to so many people you dont even know.
    This will pass, reach out to your family and loved ones. Be as kind to yourself as you can be.
    Perhaps check out Beyond Blue, they can help with your depression. Dont try to be strong, reach out for help and let someone else help you xxxxx
    Hoping your days get better

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  4. Firstly, sorry that I've not been able to comment in a while.

    Regarding loved ones, I feel like this sometimes too. The way I try to think about is, if the tables were reversed would I do the same thing for my partner? The answer is yes - I would support him for the rest of my life, and I'm certain that's the case for you too, and I don't need to tell you why.

    You're going through a terrible time at the moment, don't deny your loved ones to support you in anyway they can, even if it makes you feel guilty, they feel very helpless during your pain and doing those physical things like helping you at home, or making sure you're okay financially are the things they can do to make your life better in some small way.

    Much love.

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  5. :( i do hope you feel better soon, speak to your specialist about pain management
    my first couple of P's after the operation were painful and then they got a bit better
    i've been off all meds since about November last year and i'm okay but not holding my breath
    take each day as it comes x

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  6. Hi Shireen.
    I went through an entire year of exactly what you are going through. The pain is something you just can't explain. I had surgery in September 2012 and had the Mirena put in. It has changed my life! I no longer have periods, so my pain is manageable with just ibuprofen or paracetamol. I was on regular Oxycodone before as my pain was SO bad and I am allergic to Tramadol. I still have bad days, and recently had a cyst that sent me right back to my pre-surgery days! I was in agony!! But, that cyst ruptured and now I'm back to my old self. Unfortunately my immune system is still shattered and I catch EVERYTHING, but I have my life back. I can work and I will be trying for a baby next year. It's going to be a tough journey, but there are ways to have a family, even with this awful disease. Take heart in the fact that I was were you are, and although I am not totally over the hurdles that endo throws my way, I am in a far better place! And, if I compare my life to this time last year, the difference is massive!

    Please don't give up hope and let those you love support you through this time. You do deserve to be loved and supported. After all you did not choose this road.

    Best of luck with the rest of your journey! I hope that you find some balance soon. And, ask your doctor about the Mirena, it doesn't work for everyone, but it certainly did for me.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your message. I need to read things like this to make me see that there is an end to this time. I'm sad to hear that you went through a similar situation to me because I know how difficult its been for myself but I'm so happy you have found something that works for you. I had the Mirena coil for 2 years and had it removed shortly after my big flare up last year because in the end it was doing nothing for me. It was great at the start though and it's annoying that wore off. I wish you lots of luck also and hope the Mirena continues to work for you. Thank you again. xxx

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