Sunday, 20 January 2013

Snowflakes and agonising frustration.

Image courtesy of http://chibird.tumblr.com/post/40803443811/a-little-motivation-only-one-more-day-until-im
I'm going to keep this post short because I really haven't done much since my last update.

I'm very, very frustrated at the moment. I'm in a lot of pain still. I mentioned a few months back that I was having a lot of pain around my left hip area and it felt quite numb. Well, guess what!? Yeah, it's still there, and to make matters worse, my right hip feels the exact same way now. It's making sitting and trying to get comfortable in bed near impossible. My left hip started to feel like this after my last laparoscopy so I'm starting to think I must just have some sort of nerve damage around those areas. But, with the numbness I get the aches, and nothing seems to take those away. On top of that, my lower back is absolutely killing me this week. The boy has rubbed my back, I've had my massager on it (which, might I add, was fantastic at getting the gas out after my surgery) and of course I'm doped up on all my tablets but nothing is helping it. I then have all the usual pains in my tummy and then there is the bladder issue/s. I cannot go to the toilet properly at the moment - still! It's been like this since I got out of surgery but its still the same. No improvements. In fact, I think it's worse than when I was in hospital. Going for a wee is absolute agony and not in a cystitis infection kind of way. It's the muscles. They feel so tight and it kind of dribbles out. If I try and control it at all then I get shooting pains that take my breath away. I'm also, yet again, having my wetting problems. I thought that would stop when the endo had been removed from my bladder, but, obviously not.


The only thing that's brought me an ounce of relief recently is this heat pad my mama found while clearing out my grandmas house. It's like a little electrical blanket and its been helping my tum and back. I can't stand the weight of a hot water bottle on my tum so this is perfect.


It snowed really heavy here this week and I've been desperate to get out in it and jump around but as I can barely move at the moment that's been completely out of the question. It makes me really sad to watch people outside having fun and snowball fights. I wanted to build a snowman!


I've been ridiculously down this week with it all. I had pinned so much on this surgery fixing me and yes, I know it was only just under 2 weeks ago but I'm seeing no improvements yet and I'm completely frustrated with it. I've cried almost non stop this week and that's all I really feel like doing. I feel like giving up with it all. I feel like giving up on everything because I can't see past this. Is this my life!? Being stuck, not able to see people, not being able to work, drive, walk even!? Me and the boy have so many plans and we are so desperate to get all the possessions we've acquired in to our little house, but how is that ever going to happen with me like this? I feel so useless at the moment. I can't do anything. I have no life. I, at the moment, cannot envision any prospects, so what's the point!? What's the point of the boy being with me when I'm like this? He could find a normal girlfriend. He could fall in love and be happy and move out and have children and have a life. But here, now, he's stuck with little old rubbish me. Stuck living his life sitting around on my bed waiting for me to get better. It's not fair on him. And I feel like I've taken so much away from him. So much that he deserves.


You see, this is what my life is like at the moment. I've been in tears since I first woke this morning, wishing I could (comfortably) sleep forever. My dad and the boy have been trying their best to console me but I just feel empty.


How can I bring this blog to all you endo sisters in a positive way? I can't. Because I feel I have nothing to be positive about.


Anyway, that's my cheery update from my recovery bed. My dad suggested that the boy take me out for a short drive to the pet shop to have a look at the little fur babies so I might put some lipstick on and do that. I need some fresh air to clear my sad head.


S.
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