Wednesday, 10 October 2012

I always seem to fall down.

Image courtesy of http://imawar.tumblr.com/post/20368307968

I've been sat with this page up for the past half an hour. Just blank. I don't even really know what to write. My head has been such a complete and utter mess the last few weeks. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, how busy I am, how much time I spend out doing things with people in the fresh air, how jovial I sound online, I still cannot clear my thoughts. Today has just been the worst day in years. Maybe ever. For my head anyway. I can't ever remember feeling this low - even when I went through all my prior troubles. But today (and for what now feels like forever), I've cried and cried and cried over nothing and everything.

I've been so frustrated and angry and upset recently that I've been snapping constantly at my father and the boy and I don't want to be like this. I've felt paranoid that the boy has been seeing someone else and lost at the thought of him leaving me. I've been bitter towards any and everyone and retreating from any involvement with the outside world. I've been denying that I've lost weight when I know I have because I have zero appetite. Zero interest in anything.

I feel like the biggest failure in the entire world. No money, no life, no job, no friends, nothing. And I know, when I pull this black veil aside for a moment that I have so much to be thankful and happy for and it's just the depression that's making me believe all this but the veil is too heavy to keep holding up.

I can't get out of my hole. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to keep busy and take my mind off things. I'm trying to read when I'm sat still and to go to sleep at the same time as the boy. But it's so hard. I just can't get my mind away from everything thats happening.

And it's no one particular thing. It's not just my problems surrounding my endometriosis. It's family problems. And money, always money. And silly things my head is making in to problems. I can sit back and see what I want so clearly - but it's so far from my grasp.

I know things are difficult for others too and I know this is especially so for the boy, I know I don't go through all this alone. But even though he is there next to me, every step of the way, I feel so lost, so bewildered. So alone.

I literally hit rock bottom last night when I shouted at the boy, saying I was trying to get myself sorted out but having my counselling on hold meant I wasn't getting anywhere. And today has been the end point - that point where you feel completely worthless and don't want to be here anymore. I've been here for a while but today, I've realised it.

I'm getting help. I know leaving this would be silly because of the mechanisms I've used to cope beforehand. So I'm seeing a doctor and he'll make me better and get me back to normal again. Back to me. Back to the boy. Back to focusing on my goals, our goals. And the boy has created a whole action plan for me and for us.

But tonight my mind is still screaming out irrational thoughts, making me feel selfish, worthless, needy, crap, shit, empty, lost, nothing. When in reality I really want to scream "help me" - please.

S.
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