Thursday, 30 August 2012

The last few days.



I haven't been on here for a few days because, as you can probably tell from my last post, I've been having a bit of a rubbish time.

On Friday my period pain got really bad again so I had to go back on my Nefopam tablets. Unfortunately, after only two doses, I started hallucinating. I was so frightened Friday night that I had to get my dad to come and sit with me because I thought there was someone in my room, someone following me and a massive hand coming to grab me. I've never had hallucinations before and when your head is so clouded and you can't think straight it is truly terrifying. I managed to get a reasonable nights sleep, despite a few incidences of waking up and believing someone was still stood over me.

I felt a little better once my head cleared on Saturday morning, but since the pain was still bad I needed to continue on the tablets. I was completely spaced out and still felt there was someone there but it wasn't as bad and I wasn't as frightened by it. But then I had people with me all day long.

By Sunday though, I was having panic attacks and crying at the thought of being alone in my room. I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep because I was adamant about there being someone next to me. The boy said he could see how frightened I was - I was absolutely beyond petrified. I had also become extremely paranoid that people were talking about me and that everyone hated me. Including the boy. I thought he would leave me. That he didn't love me. I know he's not going anywhere (please don't leave me!). But I broke down because I thought this was it.

We checked the side effects of Nefopam and it can cause hallucinations but unfortunately, because I only take them for a few days each month (mainly because I don't want my body to get used to them), I'm not giving my body a chance to get past these things. I'm really not looking forward to taking them again next month after all this has happened. Hopefully, it won't be as bad again.

I came off the tablets on Monday and although the pain is still quite bad, I can deal with it. I'm extremely swollen though and my tum is rock hard. Very uncomfortable. My head is clear again now and yesterday and today have been the first days in a long time that I have woken up in a positive mood. I am almost happy!... For now anyway!

My skin has gotten really bad again with acne. I'll do a separate post on it soon but it's really getting me down at the moment. It hasn't been this bad in a few years.

I have started to feel really anxious about my appointment with the Prof. as I realised I will be asking him the same old question: "What are my chances of being able to have children?". Last time I asked was around 2008 and he told me that if everything stayed the same as after my surgery in 2007, that I should be able to conceive. But we both know that things have gotten far worse since then so I am eager to ask the question again. I'm just scared of his response. I don't even know yet what we will be talking about since he said we need to sit down and properly talk through my options - it wasn't something we could just decide on lightly. I still have a month to go before my appointment so I just need to get my head straight and try and maintain this positive feeling and not worry about that at the moment. Either way, whatever he says, I'll at least know more than I do now.

I received a letter from the DWP a few days ago, regarding my benefits. It confused me though because they said they would be paying me the same amount of money on the same basis but after changes have been made to my details recently. I have no idea what changes have been made but I'm happy enough since my money hasn't changed! I'm still waiting on hearing about the next steps though and actually receiving a confirmation that this payment will continue.

My beautiful little niece starts school on Friday. I am so proud of her and can't believe how much she has grown up! It seems like no time at all since I was eagerly awaiting news of her birth, let alone her being 4 years old and heading to school! Since I'm still in scruff mode, I thought I'd share a photo with you from my first day of school! Wasn't I cute!?... It all went so wrong after then! I still love that the little boy next to me (who I won't name and shame publicly!) has already fallen asleep... Jigsaws can be so tiring!

I haven't really done much the last few days. I've been catching up on things since I could barely see or talk (or move or function in any way!) over the weekend. My mama is coming over today to look after me, which I always look forward to. And then me and the boy have a few things planned for over the weekend which I'm looking forward to - as long as I'm able to get around and the weather holds up! (Always looking on the bright side!).

I'm going to try and catch up with my blogging now too. I know I'm behind on some posts so I need to get them sorted but I'm sure you will understand after what has been happening!

If you follow me on Facebook you will notice that I have now started sharing the stories I re-tweet on Twitter. I might do a little round up of these stories on here at the end of each week also because it's all quite interesting reading. I have so may things planned for the blog now... It's just getting around to actually doing them!

And one more thing before I go... I've noticed I've gathered quite a few new followers over the past week or so. Just a big thank you to all of you who are following. I've had some lovely messages (which I will get around to responding to asap!) and I can't describe how good it feels to know my writing is helping others and that people are reading this and I am not alone in it. Please remember to spread the word and also check out the links in the 'endometriosis library' below. Not everyone has the same story when it comes to this disease so it helps to read up as much as possible on everything and I do not want anyone thinking that what has happened with me is what will happen with every woman who has the disease. Everyone is different and people respond to treatments in different ways.

S.
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