Saturday, 5 November 2011

Endometriosis and relationships.

Image courtesy of http://chibird.tumblr.com/
I've been in two major relationships since I was first diagnosed with endometriosis. I don't want to go in to major detail as it isn't fair to either party involved. But, one thing I will say, is that I blame my endometriosis greatly for the breakdown of the first relationship.

We had been together only a short time when I was diagnosed. He was hugely supportive. He would come to hospital appointments with me, would try to learn about the disease so he could help me cope with what was happening, would bring me hot water bottles when I couldn't move. But having so many hormones injected in to me changed me. And when I lost myself, I lost him also.

When we split up, I found the pressure of bringing my endometriosis in to a new relationship a tremendous hardship. I often questioned how anyone would want to be with someone who was so broken. I felt like I had nothing to offer. No one would want to spend their life with me. I couldn't offer a happy future filled with children running around or uplifting moods. I could only offer an uncertain future - one where I didn't know what would happen and one where I longed for things I couldn't have.

When the boy came on the scene, it was months before I divulged my secret. And it happened in the best possible way: while drunk. Perfect. My biggest insecurity and while drunk I blurted it out to the man I wanted to spend my life with. Instantly I was scared that that would be it. That he wouldn't want me - couldn't love me - because I had this "thing" that had changed so much for me.

Well, the boy proved me wrong. It had taken a while, but I had found this person who accepted me for everything I was and how little I had to offer. And I knew then that it was love.

I apologise if many of my posts wind up with me being a sad old so and so, getting upset about what I have and have not got. But I'm sure many of you will relate to my situation: I'm in a relationship that is forever, and yet I worry everyday that I cannot give this wonderful man the family that is meant to be in his future.

The boy supports me and tries to make me believe that things will be OK. In my darkest moments, when I feel the world is falling down around me, I can look at him and I know that it isn't so bad - because I have him.

We talk about the future often and, although I'm anxious to see where we will end up, I know that I'm safe. I have someone that's accepted me at my worst. Our future may be unknown - but our future is together.

S.
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